Originally posted on August 31, 2021 @ 10:26 am

Love is a powerful force that brings people together. It warms your heart and makes you care about your partner. Love is important for a happy marriage. God wants us to enjoy our marriage, not just endure it. How you handle your relationship plays a big role in how happy your marriage will be. Talking about important things in your relationship before getting married makes it easier to decide if you want to marry.

When you’re in a relationship, it feels like love is all you need. Nothing else seems to matter until you get married and face reality. When I was dating my husband, we talked about some important things. I wanted to hear his thoughts before moving forward in our relationship. But before I talk about those things you need to discuss, let’s first look at the benefits of having these conversations.

Why is it important to discuss before marriage?

• Having meaningful discussions helps you to understand your partner. When you have a serious heart-to-heart conversation with your partner, you learn new things about them and understand them better.
• Talking with your partner helps to prepare your mind for what marriage to them will be like.
• It builds communication and a listening pattern for the couple, an essential factor for a healthy marriage. 
• Having important discussions prevents heartbreaks and emotional breakdowns in the long run. When you have necessary conversations that are imperative for the future, you will unveil your partner’s thoughts that can help you decide if you want to continue with the relationship.
• It helps the couple to plan for the future as a team.

Whenever you’re having any vital discussion with your partner, do not listen only; look into their eyes and also study their body language. People often say things they don’t mean.

More interesting read

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What are the things to discuss before marriage?

I believe praying and hearing from God before entering a relationship is crucial. If the marriage is truly from God, then these discussions will serve as a step to help you plan the future together. But if not, these discussions can help you know you shouldn’t be in that marriage. Let’s look at each of the topics together.

 “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”

 —Robert A. Heinlein

Marriage expectations

Everyone has expectations about their marriage. We all want to have a marriage that suits our fantasy. However, our expectations are different and may not align with everyone we meet; therefore, we must discuss our expectations for the marriage.

For example, some men in this part of the world marry because they don’t want to do certain household chores while some marry because they want a child.

Suggested discussion

• What are your expectations for marriage, and what does marriage mean to you?
• What are your views on divorce, and how will you handle conflicts or difficulties in your marriage?
• What happens if I can’t meet your expectations?
• How can you communicate your needs and expectations in your marriage?

Finance

 Discussing finance is crucial because it influences many decisions you will make in your marriage. Finance is the second most common reason couples divorce or stay separated. You’ll be surprised at how different your thoughts are regarding finances. Some people go into marriage thinking they have control over how their partner spends money. At the same time, some assume their partner will meet their needs. 

Finance things to discuss

• Talk about keeping joint or separate accounts.
• Talk about how much you earn.
• How do we handle family expenses in the home?
• Talk about debt; handling debt is often an underrated discussion, but they reveal much about our thought patterns and comparability (do they owe any debt, what is their perspective?)
• How do we plan for financial crisis like job loss or medical emergencies?

 Think about other issues relating to finance that bothers you and discuss them.

The number of children and family planning

 You may be wondering why you should have this discussion. I used to know a couple who had serious issues because of this. The husband wanted four children, while the wife wished to have two. 

Things to discuss

• How many children are we going to have?
• Will you be comfortable with having only male or female gender?
• What will be our child spacing duration?
• What are your thoughts about contraceptives? (Some Christians don’t believe in contraceptives)
• What do you think about delay in childbirth? (if your partner feels only sinners have a delay in childbirth, please reconsider the marriage)
• Are you open to the adoption of children?
• Do you want to have children immediately after getting married, or do you want to wait a while? 
• Discuss how you want your children to be born. Some women marry men before they realize their husband doesn’t want his wife to undergo a caesarean section.

Discuss these issues freely and with utmost dedication.

How to Raise Children

Children are like clay. They are a reflection of your character. Raising children is an issue that causes differences in marriages. The wife may be strict, while the husband believes in letting children have freedom. Couples need to agree on how they want to raise their children.

Suggestions for parenting discussions

• Discuss how you feel you should raise children.
• Are you comfortable allowing them to go on holiday elsewhere? 
• Do you believe in sending children to boarding houses? 
• Your opinion about Dressing, Education, Healthcare, etc.  
• What are your plans for childcare?
• What are your parenting philosophies?

Career and Future Plans

Couples who move in opposite directions will only have a stressful marriage. Therefore before you go into marriage, have plans for your life. You and your partners should discuss this and see how you can fit into each other’s goals. Your partner can help to push you on the career path when you’ve discussed it with them.

 Some women work shifts that some men find uncomfortable. Some men work in a sector with many women, and some wives can’t tolerate this. Talk about individual plans and read between the lines as much as possible.

Career plans questions for intending couples

• What is your individual long-term goal?
• What are your long-term goals as couples?
• Are you comfortable with the job I do?
• What are your ambitions?
• What expectations do you have for each other in achieving these goals?
• Do you want to own a house?
• How do we plan and budget to achieve that goal?
• How important is continuing education to you?
• What are your expectations for your partner’s education and learning?
• How can you support each other in pursuing education and learning opportunities?

Think about as many questions as possible about your plans and career goals.it is essential to discuss what you what for the future. Things may not turn out as planned, but you know what to expect.

Relationship with Family Members

Relationship with family is necessary; our families are integral to our lives. We are connected to our families with a firm bond. Even though we need our families, it is essential to understand that you’re forming a relationship with someone with different family background and beliefs. It means your partner has other ideas and ideologies about how a family should run. 

Suggestions of things to discuss about family relationships

• Talk about family limits. How much is too much when they interfere?
• How will you handle family responsibilities? 
• How much information about your marriage will you share with your family? 
• How do we visit our parents? ( especially if they stay far away)

Spirituality and Religion

It is essential to mention this topic; it is common for a Christian to marry another Christian for many reasons. There are still significant differences even when you are Christian and attend different churches or denominations.

Questions about religion and spirituality

• How important is your spirituality to you?
• What are your religious beliefs, and how do they align with your partner’s religious beliefs? 
• How do we handle conflicting religious beliefs?
• Will we attend the same church after marriage?
• Discuss your partner’s opinion of fundamental Christian beliefs like faith, salvation, prayer, the Holy Spirit, etc.

It is more important to have this discussion if you have a different spiritual background. Religion affects how we perceive things; it makes this discussion necessary. 

Your Past

The past may be the past for you but not for your partner.

People say, “If I tell him/her my past, she/he won’t marry me.” If they don’t want to marry you, please let them go. Past mistakes can confront you at any time. It is more challenging to deal with such revelations when your partner is unaware. It can be difficult to discuss but spill the beans. 

Villains from their past have blackmailed people. They sometimes become enslaved by fear. Some people have even committed suicide when they couldn’t deal with a sudden revelation of their history. It is easy to deal with the world when your partner is firmly against you.

Ask questions like

Is there anything in your past I should know about?

Discuss Mentorship, Friends and Social Life

We all need mentors, friends and social interactions. Mentoring is necessary when it comes to receiving counselling, and the kind of friends in your social circle affects the success of your marriage positively or negatively.

Sometimes in marriage, things may not just work as you presumed. In bad times, you most likely turn to a mentor, counsellor, friend or people from your social circle. If you do not have Christians among them who can give you godly advice, the marriage may hit the rock.

Suggested discussions

• Are you both willing to see a counsellor? 
• Agree on who you both want as a mentor for your marriage.
• Who are your friends?
• How much time do we devote to friends and social circles?
• How do we handle differences between friends or social circles?

 Every marriage has its storms. Make sure it is someone you are comfortable discussing and opening up to, and choose prayerfully.

Sexuality and Intimacy

I’m sure someone is wondering why this is needed. Everyone has a sexual orientation, and you may not be having sex now but discuss it. Even though you’re single, you know how often you feel the urge for sex. This discussion is even more critical if any partner has had sexual experiences. Imagine if a partner wants oral sex while the other dislikes it. Such marriage will have ups and downs.

Sexuality and intimacy topics

• What are your expectations for physical intimacy in marriage?
• What are your boundaries around sex?
• How do we communicate our sexual needs?
• What is your love language, and how do I speak your love language?
• Do you have any sexual addictions that you want to overcome?

Wedding Plans

The wedding day is the beginning of a beautiful marriage, and planning a Nigerian wedding or wedding generally can be difficult. Before you choose your wedding day, know the expectation of your partner for the wedding day.

When I was going to marry my husband, we decided not to borrow for the wedding. We didn’t have a budget but bought things we could afford without breaking the bank. I currently plan wedding outfits for couples, and I usually advise them to have a budget for the wedding. (Wedding is a day, while marriage is for a lifetime)

 Wedding plans to discuss

• How much do we spend?
• How many guests are we expecting? 
• What type of wedding do you want? Especially for people in Nigeria, where we have different kinds of weddings.

You can discuss the wedding day when you’re sure the relationship is heading to marriage. Some couples start wedding plans before they discover how extravagant their partners are. Some people spend so much on their weddings and they start paying off debt from the beginning of their marriage. Openly discuss this issue. 

Cultural differences

Culture is said to be the way of life of people. In Nigeria, we have different ethnic groups and cultures. It is said that Nigeria has over 50 different cultures. Every country has its own culture and traditions, so you need to talk about all the essential details of your culture.

Suggested Questions

• Discuss the differences in your culture
• How do you intend to teach your children each other’s language and traditions?
• How will you handle differences around culture and traditions?

Communication and Emotional Support

Communication is essential; couples must maintain healthy communication to develop a great relationship that stands the test of time. Emotional support comes when there is healthy communication between partners. You can share how you feel and receive enough love and emotional support when you open up to your partner about issues that bother you. 

Discuss issues like

• What is your love language?
• What are your conflict resolution styles, and how do they differ?
• How will you handle conflicts or disagreements in your relationship?
• What are your expectations for resolving disputes, and how can you communicate effectively during conflicts?
• What is your communication style, and how do they differ?
• How do I make you feel loved and understood?
• How do you support each other emotionally?
• What are your expectations for emotional support when one of you is going through a difficult time?
• How can you communicate your emotional needs to each other effectively?
• What are your hobbies and interests?
• How will you make time for each other’s hobbies and interests?
• How can you support each other in pursuing personal interests and hobbies?

Time spent Apart, Loyalty and Trust

If you stay in the part of the world where young people travel abroad in search of better opportunities or your job requires you to travel and stay away from your family, I suggest you take this discussion seriously. 

You both need to talk about

• How much time apart is healthy for your relationship?
• How will you maintain your connection when you are apart?
• What are your expectations for communication and checking in when you are apart?
• How important is trust and loyalty to you in a relationship?
• How will you build and maintain trust with each other?
• What are your expectations for fidelity, and how can you communicate your boundaries and expectations?

Asking questions doesn’t mean you don’t trust your partner; it only means you love them enough to prevent a future you both will regret

These are a few questions you might consider discussing with your partner before getting married. Of course, the specific questions will depend on your circumstances and preferences. Still, the goal should be to communicate openly and honestly about important topics impacting your relationship and future. Having these discussions doesn’t guarantee a successful marriage. Still, discussing these topics before getting married can avoid surprises and misunderstandings and build a stronger foundation for your wedding.